


Only Holding You

by iraot



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: "Friends" with benefits, Angst, F/M, Mutual Pining, Self Loathing, dom/sub dynamics, self doubt, smooches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:14:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27978678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iraot/pseuds/iraot
Summary: She wants more, but she's not sure he does.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 54





	Only Holding You

Things had been quiet at the compounds, and while she had been awaiting the return of the Avengers there was one she was anticipating more than the others. Steve didn’t typically go on missions anymore, opting instead to stay behind, be a mentor to new members. Training and working logistics and mission planning. This mission, however, was a bit more time sensitive and needed the finesse only the former avenger could bring. She doesn’t know when it happened, but their simple platonic relationship turned into more; at least it had for her. 

When one of them was in need the other would provide, comfort, reassurance, a bed and body to wipe away every stress their world consisted of. Even if she only worked in the medbay, she saw enough of them to grow fond. They lost agents regularly, it was part of the job and sometimes she wished she lacked choice. Steve gave that to her. Without question, the ever leading super soldier led her to his bed and gave her no option but to submit to his will.

* * *

That’s when things changed. He would come to her for the sex, for her submission, but nothing else. At one point she might have considered them friends, but he never spoke more than a few words to her now without somehow ending up with his fingers knuckle deep in her cunt. Several times she’d attempted to stand resolute, not giving into his demands but he’d just spanked her ass till she once again seemingly remembered her place. 

It hurt more than she’d let on, not the punishment, his treatment of her. As if she were nothing more than a body to release his anger out on, his frustrations and to exert his absolute will on something that wouldn’t defy him. She didn’t have the heart to, and even now when she was positive she would ignore him. Tell him to go fuck himself for a change; she knew she wouldn’t. The power he held over her was supernatural, she was sure of it. If Aliens and super soldiers could exist surely there was a witch who could exert their will over her to make her more pliant to his machinations. 

Gazing out the window from the fifth floor she saw the quinjet land gently on the platform, and she began to ready her stations. She’d known about a few minor injuries, nothing extreme but she was prepared for anything. There were a multitude of things that could go wrong, and she didn’t want to see his face - soa distraction was the only way to keep her wits about her. Having a job to do, she did it well but something about the man out of time seemed to draw her in without much effort. 

Natasha and Sam greeted her first when they deposited two rookie agents with minor injuries, all would be healed quickly. Bumps and scrapes were the most common, as were gunshots and stab wounds - then broken bones, concussions and maybe even worst like amputation. Though, that was exceedingly rare. Patching them up within fifteen minutes she sent them on their way, rest and relaxation being her only requirement. It felt too good to be true that Steve hadn’t shown himself, it was only a matter of time and a part of her wondered if he watched her from afar waiting for the moment when she was alone.  
  
Another stab of annoyance, the fact that no one knew about the two of them. He seemed to so easily brush off jokes abut his love life, but he never once mentioned her or maybe perhaps he was seeing anyone. _Love life_ if that’s what you could call what they had; his orders were to be met, but she was tired of it. She was deserving of more than what he was giving her, and if he wanted more from her she’d happily give it but she didn’t want to hide it. Didn’t want to be some dirty little secret only for him to go have some apple pie life with someone else - leaving her wanting.   
  
“I figured you’d gone by now,” his voice doesn’t startle her, at some point she just expects him to show up out of nowhere. 

Rolling her eyes a little she takes a deep breath, “I have a job to do,” is her only reply. Normally, she would be to of here by this time but the mission ran late so she had more paperwork and restocking to do than she normally would. Throughout the day people came through with random tid bits of injuries or concerns about their health. It was her job to ensure they were in tiptop shape.

“Do you want to tell me what’s got you so worked up?”  
  
A small laugh escaped her and she finally turned to face him, “Suddenly you care? Don’t make me laugh, Steve. We both know what you’re here for, and I’m saying -- not tonight.” Waving him off then turning back around to finish restocking the drawer with gauze before shutting it.

He was quiet for a moment and she was sure he’d left, but when he spoke she jumped then turned to face him. “Not tonight? I thought we had an agreement?” she had to give him credit, he really did look confused. They had a silent agreement, to come when the other needs them as long as nothing else needed to be done first. 

“Sure, an agreement but it’s not good enough for me anymore. We used to be friends,” pushing a hand over her face, “Now you never talk to me. You don’t come to me unless you want something, so what is it? What do you want now?”

The hurt on his face was easy to read, he wasn’t especially good at hiding his emotions unless he was prepping for a mission. Even then his annoyance was easy to read and often palpable. She’d never seen this look on his face before, she didn’t like it. She watched him as he pushed a hand through his hair before taking a step closer to her, and she leaned against the desk behind her. 

Steve was thinking about his words carefully, which was smart on his part because she wouldn’t let him get away with pinning the blame on her for this. Not when she’d made it clear time and time again that she wanted something more than what they had, but it seemed like that had fallen on deaf ears. “ I didn’t know how to ....” he sighed a little bit then looked at the ground, “I don’t know how to give you more...I put this distance there to protect myself because I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m with you.”  
  
“You seem to do just fine as long as emotions aren’t involved,” she retorted, and he nodded. She hadn’t expected him to agree with her, this wouldn’t be as easy as she hoped. Clean cut, cauterize the wound that was bleeding her emotions onto every flat surface. “Even if you can’t give me more, I would like to have my friend back.”

He watched her then wet his lips, “At the cost of nothing physical between us...” he understood now what she was saying. She couldn’t put herself out there like this, vulnerable - taking every risk while he seemingly took none.

“It doesn’t have to, we can have both...” her voice cracked, “you can be my friend _and_ my lover; you don’t have to pick just one, Steve.”

“It’s not that - “  
  
“It is! It is that easy...why couldn’t it be? Am I not good enough to have all of you? Or am I only good enough when I’m doing what you say and begging for it on my knees?” Frustration bubbling to the surface, his exterior image was sparkling clean. He’d made sure to keep it that way, being Captain America came with an image he didn’t paint for himself. Though, he realized later he was complicit in that when he never corrected anyone. 

“That’s not what I’m saying!” Steve stood straight as he looked at her, his expression firm and unyielding. “I don’t get that life, I don’t get the two kids, and a wife with a dog...”  
  
“Why the fuck not, Steve?! Who is telling you that you can’t have that?! All I see is a man who pretends he isn’t scared to take what he wants, but when it’s right in front of his face he backs down. It’s all _here,_ Steve. I’m offering my whole self to you but you’re too scared to even try,” she ranted then pushed off the desk waving her hands around as she spoke. Tired of being the only person who would ever try for more, she couldn’t be with him if he didn’t try too. What was the point? There was no way she could continue to be his little toy while she pined for more somewhere in the future. 

Silence echoed in the medbay, it was deafening. She’d never felt more alone even with him standing less than ten feet away, but she didn’t want him closer. Not if he didn’t want all of her, and everything she was willing to offer. 

“You can’t know they won’t come after you.” he spoke softly as he looked at her. The thought that someone would take her, hurt her or maybe any children should they have any - scared him more than anything in his life ever had. Even more than not living life to its full potential when he was small and sickly. .  
  
“Let. Them. Fucking.Try.” She punctuated. “I am not incapable of taking care of myself, you know. Before I got hired here I had to go through the self defense program and it was run by Natasha - so that probably gives you an idea of the level of competency I have.”  
  
He almost looked ashamed, but he looked tired too. Like he’d been holding too much back even if it hadn’t felt like it. “If you want me, you have to have all of me and give all of you too... no more half measures, I couldn’t take it.”   
  
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” his persona change was unmistakable, gone was the man who questioned his motives and instead in his place stood one who she’d grown increasingly familiar with. Their little tiff wasn’t forgotten, she knew they’d likely have another argument later but she knew they were on the precipice of something amazing, their lives could be altered forever.  
  
Nodding, “Yes.”  
  
Steve stalked across the room, determination in ever step. He gripped her waist pulling her to him, his mouth crashing against hers. Hands sliding down her hips and over the backs of her thighs, she never thought she’d crave someone’s touch so much. Her hands cupped his face and she whined, “We can’t... not here.” she whispered and he growled as he buried his face into her neck rutting his hips against her. 

He sighed a little kissing her gently, “Later then,” he murmured softly as he stroked her cheek, his arms wrapped around her tightly. She’d almost lost him today, not in a blazing mission but in the quiet that was their relationship. Closing the door on one part of her life but opening herself up to another that held more promise.   
  
Outside the door of the medbay stood three of the Avengers with wide eyes, wondering just how long this had been going on. “Did either of you know about this?” Natasha asked narrowing her eyes at either male.   
  
“I didn’t know anything, thought he’d have told me..” Bucky mumbled dejectedly.   
  
Sam shrugged,”Guess he needed to keep something to himself for once,” he offered, but seeing the happy pair in their oblivious embrace none of them could bring themselves to care. If there was anyone deserving of a happy ending they knew it was Steve.


End file.
